The truth is that I was broken as a child. I was shattered. I have never let go of that pain. I believe I am scared to let it go. I fear deep down that if I do let it go I will lose my father completely. I have felt like my pain is the last connection I have with him. The truth is that I have already lost him. He is GONE. He is as gone as any person will ever be to me. I am angry with him still because I need him more than I ever needed anyone. I trusted him. I adored him. He was suppose to protect me. He was suppose to guide me. He left me. Yet in my heart it is I who left him. I died everyday after he was gone. I am still dying today. I am furious with him for abandoning me in this place. I simply do not understand. That is what hurts most of all.
Daddy left me alone and scared and I am still the same.
November 4, 2003