My mom left me long ago before I had learned how to walk. When I was young she was a quieted question. Her decision to leave must have been no more easy than it seemed but as a child you cannot understand the decision processes that lead a person to leave you.
Growing up without a devoted mother as a girl means missing out on a lot of necessary lessons. I can’t say that had she been in my life she would have taught me every single one, but I am sure I would have had a different perspective than I do now.
I was in my mid-twenties when I finally learned the proper way to make a bra purchase. I didn’t realize the meaning of the numbers and letters and it was actually a friend of mine who showed me how to figure it all out. Apparently just picking one that fits isn’t as smart an idea as I had thought for so long.
I have 3 children one of which is a daughter. It is amazing how fearful you can be as a parent. You can fear for their safety. You can fear for your ability to teach and guide them and what effect that will have on their personalities and morality. You can fear that you don’t know what you are doing every single day that you wake up and go to sleep. I have all of these fears and then some. I also fear what lessons I never learned and therefore I fear that my daughter might be missing out as well.
The thing about having fear as a parent is that you learn to push past it and do what is necessary anyway. I have often thought of myself as a first generation mom. I have thought this because I am an unguided child who has found my way into the role of mother. I do not know what I am doing from having the experience of living under my mom. I am making my choices as a mother one day at a time.
I hope I am making all the right ones too.