No matter how great things are in my life I always find my way back to a low point. I will never be fully happy. I will never be fully content. There will always be a time when I will suffer and there is nothing that I can do about it. I know that when I am suffering that it is not the last time I will ever be happy, but it is still so very difficult when you feel that way. I have fought this for my entire life and I know that I will always have to fight it.
It is a hard thing to know. It can be overwhelming. Your soul seems damaged in some miniscule way. It may be a tiny tear but that tear cracks you down the middle over time. It separates you and keeps you from feeling normal. You stand on the edge of the crowd and wonder what it must feel like to fit in. It hurts and then there is a part of you that almost longs for the pain as well. You have hurt for so long that you don’t know how to survive without it. It defines you in a way that you don’t want to be defined. You struggle within yourself with all of this knowledge and there is little that can be done about it. You ride the waves. You smile when the wave crests and you cry when it dips but you ride it out and wait.
Some part of me will always long for absolute happiness. I will always want to know joy and to keep it forever. Another part of me will always cling to my depression. It is a major part of who I am. I don’t think that I would be me if I didn’t have it at all. Sometimes I wonder who I could have been if I didn’t suffer. Would I have been better? Would I have been worse? I will never know but I do know that I can make it through this once again. I know that I am strong enough to make it through.
You are strong enough too.