The Husband, The Wife, and The Hand-Saw

10444450_644995075594099_4043036911478248784_n So my husband climbed a tree in the backyard over the weekend and took down a few limbs that were hanging precariously above our fire pit. A storm was heading our way and we didn’t want any damage from them. He grabbed onto the tree with his thighs and shimmied his way up that trunk like he was a squirrel. It was most impressive. When he got to his destination he had me tie a lovely handsaw that I had picked up some time ago onto a rope and he pulled it up to saw several limbs off. While he’s sawing I’ll give you some back story.

I found the handsaw in a store and thought I should start building our tool collection up. See we had lived in an apartment for years until our family started to grow and we needed to upsize our living quarters. Apartment living means that you don’t have to worry about silly things like mowing the grass or cutting down tree limbs. That also means that when you do move into a home you are going to own that you won’t have those pesky things called tools either. So when we think about it we pick up the tools that we need here and there.

Now I know the difference between screwdrivers. I know how to use a drill and a hammer. I know how to mix concrete and pour it so it can set. So I am not a girl who knows absolutely nothing about tools. Just so you know. He had warned me that buying tools was something he should do, but I am a woman who just has to prove that I know “man” things too. When I got it he looked at it and then at me he gave me a “good job but you shouldn’t have” smile and he never said a word. I was proud of my accomplishment and of the fact that I did it without his input. Pat on the back Susie, pat on the back.

Well, Saturday he sawed down three huge limbs from about 15 or 20 feet in the air while also clutching to the tree that he was sawing on. He did a really good job of it. He did complain a bit at first about the saw though. I, of course, heckled him and told him he shouldn’t send out his resume’ for that Lumberjack position that he had been eyeing afterall. He shot me a not so clean look when I said it but went back to his tree hacking without saying anything else. I knew the saw was just fine. I had done a good job of picking it out. He’s just being a man and can’t have me buying the tools. Men.

For some reason today I thought I would do him a big favor and finish cleaning up the yard. After a full day of yard work we took a break and left the limbs as they were. I’m a bit OCD and I couldn’t have a dead forest creating a haven for snakes and whatever is worse than snakes in the backyard. So I got out there and did my “I don’t need a man” thing. I picked up my black and yellow hand saw and started lugging trees twice my size around the yard. I’m sure the neighbors got a few choice phrases out of me as they took pictures. I got the limbs set up and flopped my lightweight saw up on those limbs and went to work.

I started sawing… I said, I started sawing. Well, I tried sawing anyway. The flimsy piece of wire and cardboard that looked like a saw didn’t really want to coöperate with me. My thoughts went back to the look I got and I thought of looking in a mirror just so I could give myself the same look twice. After about half an hour of pulling a string back and forth around a 20 inch limb I was sweating like a pig on a spit. I’m sure it was not attractive. It probably didn’t smell too attractive either.

Determined to finish what I started and to prove to myself that I could do it I start jumping on limbs like a kid on a bed. My arms are flailing and my legs are getting wobbly from the heat and the jumping. These limbs looked like they were breeding. I’ve somehow created a circle of limbs around me and there is no escaping it. I felt like throwing my hands in the air and screaming some random word to show my absolute disapproval of the situation. I refrained for the neighbor’s sakes. It’s almost like these trees plan on attacking me when I am not looking. They’re looking for vengeance. I can just tell.

I feel like an orangutan who had been shot with a tranquilizer dart at this point. I’m pulling and pushing and jumping on these huge limbs while making the most obscene grunting noises. I finally grabbed some bush pruners and started hacking everything that had green on it. Limbs were literally flying all around me. I was a serial tree killer. I was determined that THAT saw would not have the last laugh. I had sticks and wood shavings and leaves camping out in my hair. My gray shirt had darker gray spots in those places that do that but us women don’t like to admit do that. The knees of my jeans were muddied from me using my weight as leverage against the trees while trying to dental floss them in two. I looked like a rabid jungle woman who needed to be put out of her misery.

After 2 hours of tree beating I finally got the job done. My husband sawed down those 3 limbs in about 15 minutes and it took me 2 hours to hack them into bits. My face looked like I was being chased through the Amazon by a machete wielding inhabitant, but those limbs didn’t know who they were messing with. Don’t tell my husband but I think I bought a cheap saw. 😉

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