There is some part of me that repeats moments. Throughout my life there have been moments that involved other people and that seem incomplete to me. My mind is watching a movie without ever getting to the end of it. I see these people in my memories and they never evolve in life to me. Some part of my heart needs closure. Some part of me craves it but how do you find peace with someone who you no longer know? How do you forgive people that are no longer around? What if they don’t even remember those moments where they hurt You?
I have caused others pain. We have all done it. We have all been ignorant, mean, or just plain oblivious and because of that we have caused pain in the lives of others. I have also sought forgiveness at times. I have found my apologies had no effect or affect. I have spoken or written sorries to people who didn’t respond whatsoever. Some part of that hurt. Some part of me wanted some sort of response. An acceptance, anger, anything, but a refusal to acknowledge me meant that my earnestness was in some way meaningless.
I have wondered about these moments. I have questioned why they would simply stare at me with blank eyes and look past everything. I have apologized when I knew it wasn’t solely my fault and yet I have gotten nothing. Do we all want to hear it and not be required to say it? Is it pride? Is it something more hate filled that keeps people from owning their faults?
There are times that I have been approached and I have given my forgiveness when they were earnestly apologizing. Some people will throw an apology at you without even knowing what they are saying. I don’t mean these types of apologies. I mean the real ones. The ones that are heartfelt. The ones that people have thought about and known inside and out. People have done things that caused me immense pain. I forgave them. Wholeheartedly forgave them. There are a few that wanted to move back into my life and I couldn’t allow that though. My forgiveness allowed me to move past the pain of what had been, but my mind would not allow me to open up that “what if” again. I understand that sometimes people don’t have room in their lives for others. I understand that we all move forward and some times our paths should no longer intertwine, but does that mean that we should not overcome ourselves and allow others the closure they seek?
Some parts of my life will never have closure. I know that. I know that there are people who I will never hear an apology from. I know that there are people who will never believe that they had faulted me. I know that. Even though I know that my heart will never be at ease because it still longs to know that it was justified in its pain. My heart longs to forgive, but will never be given the opportunity to do so.
What does that mean?