I have this horribly sympathetic heart. I want to help everyone, people that I don’t know, people that I barely know, people that I love. I want to fix their problems. I want to reach out and help them all. Some people think that is a good trait. Having a heart that is open and aware can be a wonderful gift. You are left caring and concerned and you are unique in some aspects. I see pain and it pains me as well. I want to temper those feelings and ease them for others. I may never understand my desire to help. I may never know what caused it to be but I know that it is an essential part of me.
There are so many problems in helping others though. I have a hard time doing what is best for me at times. I let others manipulate me and for so many years I was walked all over because of that. I learned that giving leaves you open to heartbreak and I learned that not everyone cares about others as I do. It is easy to say you feel but it is difficult to actually feel for others as you do yourself. I put people in front of me. I have and I will continue and in some ways by doing that I lose who I am. I worry about not being able to help and I worry about causing additional pain to others. I have caused pain. I hate it. I loathe myself for the hurt I have inflicted even when it was unintentional.
The thing is that when you open yourself up to give and help others you are accepting their pain into yourself. You are agreeing to unburden them and by doing so some of that pain shifts onto you. You take on their problems, their drama, and extra grief that you wouldn’t have endured otherwise. If you volunteer your time to help you are carrying extra weight. I sometimes wonder if I feel like I deserve this extra weight. I often get involved with the intention of helping and then I end up getting hurt as well. I have lost a few “friendships” because I tried to help them or because I felt sorry for their positions and when I couldn’t help them anymore I took the blame. I ended up being the bad guy. I wasn’t a doormat like they thought and they no longer wanted anything to do with me after that.
My whole life has been littered with people who needed me until they didn’t need me. I have tried to come to terms with it. I have done my part to help and then I have been hurt by loss. I have lost ideals of people more than actual people.
My heart causes me pain and it brings the pain of others into me. I often wish I didn’t care as much as I do. I wish I knew how to manage my emotions better. I am horrible because I can’t handle the tears that others cry and yet I end up getting wet anyway.