My biggest fear is being abandoned. It may sound like a silly fear. Perhaps you think fear should involve monsters or the threat of death, but to me being left is worse than either of those things. I have dealt with this fear my entire life. I know where this fear began. It stemmed from my stepmother. There were so many times where she would leave me. I don’t mean leave me with a stranger or at a daycare. She would simply drop me by the side of the road and leave. I was less than 10 years old and I had no idea what to do. I didn’t know how to handle the situation and I couldn’t call anyone for help. I hid. I would hide away from sight because I was terrified of what she would do if she were to get in trouble for having left me. It’s odd really, I was still more concerned with her outcome than I was my own.
There have been a lot of times when I thought I was abandoned and I would have had an absolute meltdown because of it. People didn’t understand what I had been through. They don’t know why I can never be late. Even today I don’t like riding with people when I don’t know that I will have control over the situation. I can handle it to some degree but I always get this ball of fear in my stomach at the thought that I might get left or that I may not be able to leave when I want or need to. I have these deep-seeded fears inside of me even though I know they should no longer exist. As I grew older I learned to contain my fears to some extent. I learned that I could control my own situations because I could control aspects like driving myself. The thing is that my fear of abandonment is more than simply being scared of being left at a location it is the fear of being left all together. It is the fear that someone will choose to toss me aside like I had been so many times before.
My being afraid of being rejected has kept me in volatile relationships and it has also kept me from looking to make new friends. I have had to have talks with myself about my ridiculous fear but knowing you have a fear doesn’t always help to rid yourself of it. I know where my fear comes from and I know that in life we lose people for all sorts of reasons. I just can’t help but keep my guard up because of this fear though. I have lost a lot of people throughout my life and I have recovered in time, but there are still parts of me that can’t let go of those relationships. I hold resentment at myself or others for things that happened long ago. I know that life is a web of connections that can be broken and renewed. I know that people will always come and they will leave as well. I know that I can create new relationships, but my fear tells me that things are much more dire. My fear tells me that there is something within myself that is broken. My fear whispers that I am the cause even when I have proof that it is not me. My fear is an angry devil that feeds itself on my own fantastical imaginings.
I work everyday to stifle my fear. I have learned to be more careful about my relationships so that I don’t set myself up for the pain of losing people. The funniest thing about abandonment is that it never truly leaves you.