About Me, Blog, Choices, Fear, Relationships, Thoughts, Writing

Forgiveness and Moving Forward

There is some part of me that repeats moments. Throughout my life there have been moments that involved other people and that seem incomplete to me. My mind is watching a movie without ever getting to the end of it. I see these people in my memories and they never evolve in life to me. Some part of my heart needs closure. Some part of me craves it but how do you find peace with someone who you no longer know? How do you forgive people that are no longer around? What if they don’t even remember those moments where they hurt You?

I have caused others pain. We have all done it. We have all been ignorant, mean, or just plain oblivious and because of that we have caused pain in the lives of others. I have also sought forgiveness at times. I have found my apologies had no effect or affect. I have spoken or written sorries to people who didn’t respond whatsoever. Some part of that hurt. Some part of me wanted some sort of response. An acceptance, anger, anything, but a refusal to acknowledge me meant that my earnestness was in some way meaningless.

I have wondered about these moments. I have questioned why they would simply stare at me with blank eyes and look past everything. I have apologized when I knew it wasn’t solely my fault and yet I have gotten nothing. Do we all want to hear it and not be required to say it? Is it pride? Is it something more hate filled that keeps people from owning their faults?

There are times that I have been approached and I have given my forgiveness when they were earnestly apologizing. Some people will throw an apology at you without even knowing what they are saying. I don’t mean these types of apologies. I mean the real ones. The ones that are heartfelt. The ones that people have thought about and known inside and out. People have done things that caused me immense pain. I forgave them. Wholeheartedly forgave them. There are a few that wanted to move back into my life and I couldn’t allow that though. My forgiveness allowed me to move past the pain of what had been, but my mind would not allow me to open up that “what if” again. I understand that sometimes people don’t have room in their lives for others. I understand that we all move forward and some times our paths should no longer intertwine, but does that mean that we should not overcome ourselves and allow others the closure they seek?

Some parts of my life will never have closure. I know that. I know that there are people who I will never hear an apology from. I know that there are people who will never believe that they had faulted me. I know that. Even though I know that my heart will never be at ease because it still longs to know that it was justified in its pain. My heart longs to forgive, but will never be given the opportunity to do so.

What does that mean?

About Me, Blog, Depression, hope, Strength, Suicide, Writing

International Survivors of Suicide Loss Day

I am so lucky to be co-chairing our areas first ever International Survivors of Suicide Loss Day hosted by the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention.

This past week has been super busy for me. I’ve been getting caught up on all of the information and trying to jump in the middle of everything so that we can move forward. The event is held nationally in over 3,000 cities on November 22, 2014. This will be the 15th annual ISOSL Day.

It is going to be a lot of work but I truly hope that it will pay off in the end. There are so many people out there questioning why and I hope that perhaps we can make a difference so that future others won’t have to question at all. Prevention is possible.

I am re-working my schedule to add this into my already ridiculously hectic life. I have several AFSP training courses that I have to help facilitate as well as the community walk in November. I think that these events could make a great impact on our community. There are too many lives lost to suicide in our area and I want to show others that they are not alone. Depression is real but it doesn’t have to be the end for anyone.

It’s great to see so many people coming together to make a difference. I have already met so many wonderful people who have suffered loss and yet they have endured. They are strong despite their pain. I admire their drive to do something and I only hope that I can help as well. I pray that I can turn my pain into something meaningful. I hope that it won’t all have been for nothing. Perhaps One person will stop and realize their worth.

You will always be with me even in my own darkest of days. My loss of you has kept me pushing ever forward. Your actions did not define me. They only refined my will and my purpose.

About Me, Blog, Children, Choices, Fear, hope, Love, Relationships, Strength, Thoughts, Women

A Mother’s Fear

There is nothing as beautiful as being a mother. There is also nothing as paralyzing as being a good Mother. We are full of power and life but with that wonderful strength comes a very harsh and debilitating fear. There is a constant worry that hums in our hearts over the safety of our children. It starts during pregnancy and it never relents after that. I can recall the point in my first pregnancy when I felt utter adoration for that sweet girl. I had never seen her. I had never touched her soft skin. I had never looked into her eyes, but I felt a love like none I had ever dreamed of before. It was an encompassing love. One that did not need to be reciprocated. It was selfless, pure, and the simplest thing that could ever be. No relationship before had ever prepared me for the intensity of this future relationship. No man could ever come close to giving me the absolute that this little girl was already promising me. I was hooked on her before I ever even knew her.

I was unquestionably in love with her and there was nothing that could be done to stop the fear that was growing within my stomach. We have all had our hearts broken at some point. There is always a risk in loving someone. The risk in loving children is different though. I don’t worry that my children will reject my love. I know that they need it. They need the knowledge that it gives them. It is a security for them. It lets them know their worth. It fills their hearts with joy and peace. It shows them that they are wanted and that they are mine. It is a vital part of their childhoods. Their lives would be empty without love. Children more than need love to be happy they need it to survive. Babies can die from a lack of physical contact or essentially from a lack of affection. Children need to know in their hearts that they are important and that is what love does for a person. It shows us that we are vital to someone else. It gives us meaning in so many ways.

My chances of being heart-broken don’t come from having my love rejected by my children, they come from the reality of life. Our world is filled with terrors. There are people out there who would relish the chance to hurt my babies. There are diseases that could destroy the children I know. Nature could take us while we sleep. Society has a hold on parents and the rights a parent has as well. There are more bad things in this world than a mother’s heart can handle and I fear them all. I worry about strangers talking to my babies. I worry when I let my daughter go to school. I pray that no one will hurt her feelings. I worry about them if they sleep later than normal. Some part of me still fears SIDS even though I know that an 8 year old will be just fine. I worry when they get a virus. I worry if they visit anyone without me. If I leave them for a short while I worry that it will be the last time I will ever see them. My heart is constantly restrained by fear.

Fear doesn’t allow reason to exist. Fear will take over and make everything possible. Those worst nightmares can come true because that is what fear does. My children are everything. They are my world. I have made my decisions based around them. I wanted to be a better mother than what I was born into. I wanted them to never question my loyalty to them so I chose to be with them as often as possible. I have chosen for them. I have chosen because of them. I have made decisions so that their lives could be better. Parenting is a fearful thing. You will always question and worry. There will never be a day where you don’t doubt yourself. I fear them maturing into people who do not have morals or respect. I do my best to teach them these things, but what if I am not doing a good enough job? What if I am not the mother they deserve? What if they need more than what I am capable of?

My fear will never die. I will have it every day and every night from now until forever but love tempers those feelings. The joy that they bring me fills me over and over and over again. Love is the miracle feeling. It can be a drug, it can be a cure, it can be absolutely fulfilling. Love can calm the fear and let me see past it. A smile from one of my children is all that it takes to let me see the moment. That is what fear doesn’t allow. It doesn’t allow you to be in the moment. It pushes you into a future that may never come. Let love bring you back to now. This moment is perfect with them. Cherish their faces. Hold their hearts by hugging their souls. Love them and allow that love to wash away the worry.

To all of you parents out there who understand the fear I ask you to look for the love. The love will save you. You are not alone.