About Me, Acceptance, Blog, Depression, Love, public speaker, Strength, susie reece, Susie Reynolds, susie reynolds reece, Thoughts, Writing

Learn From Us

You don’t necessarily know me. You may not understand all the facets of why I function as I do, or all the aspects of my anything-but-simple life. But there is one thing you should know, putting words around my thoughts and expressing my struggles has saved my life more times than I could ever count.

It started in journals. Dozens and dozens of journals have been filled with terrible grammar and punctuation throughout my decades. I scribble illegible notes everywhere. I have hundreds of half-started pieces in my phone. There are books in different stages on my computer begging to be finished.

I write. Even when you don’t know it, I write. I have since before I can recall anything else.

When I share things publicly, please understand it isn’t necessarily a way of asking for attention but a way of sharing a piece of my soul to you in a moment I felt led to do so. Not all of my soul is beautiful, or clean, easily explainable, selfless, sensible, or even parts I’m proud of. There’s a lot of me I’m not proud of.

But still, I write.

Sometimes when I share, it’s done on days like these where my mind cannot stop. Days where I know misspellings and cluttered thoughts may make me sound like a rambling mess, but still I write. So here I am, exhausted in ways I’ve never experienced before in my life, lying in my bed knowing I need sleep, writing because it is the comfort I can grasp at in this one second.

I need to say this, please, please, I beg of you Learn from Us.

Don’t let me be misunderstood here. I don’t want to teach you anything. I don’t want to share some poignant life lesson in the hopes of coming off as having learned some valuable wisdom. I don’t want credit here. I don’t want kind words saying how beautiful anything is, all I want is for this pain, this soul-wrenching pain to do one good thing. Just one. Please. I’m begging you now, don’t let our pain be ignored. Please, learn from us.

This hurts. It hurts every part of me. My family is broken right now. Pieces who belong here with us were stolen. They are now the empty spaces at our ridiculously large table. They are laughter, and memories, and beauty that we cannot look across our plates and laugh along with. Our family is dynamic. We are diverse. We are the epitome of resilient, but man, we want nothing more than to be whole right now.

And what hurts more is the fact that each and every one of us who is left is broken at this moment. Everywhere I look I see pain seeping out of souls longing for peace. This hurts beyond words. These words are meaningless compared to what could be said. But what should be said?

There is much I never stopped to consider. I never realized so many things. I don’t know how anyone could endure something like this alone. I don’t know how it wouldn’t destroy the humanity of a person.

You will not sleep. You will not eat. This week has been a rollercoaster of emotion. Grief has been woven into things that must be handled, quickly, efficiently, without any mistakes because we want everything to be perfect. But we are not okay.

We have moments where we put our faces on and someone says, “man you’re doing good for someone who…”

No. Just no.

We don’t know you. Our family is me. I am them. We are not the same but we laugh. We joke. We work our asses off. We are a force unmatched. We are intimidating women who will get it done and that is what we are doing now. We are working because they need us to. We need to. Everything is depending on it. We are depending on it.

And the second we can, we break apart all over again. The second we sit down, or drive, or see a photo, we fucking shatter. Understand this, that word is the closest I have to express how badly we shatter.

We can’t remember who said what. Who was where. Where we are. We can’t remember our people. We walk out of the room and don’t know why. We’re looking for our phones that we’re holding. We get lost driving. We can’t remember how to finish our own sentences. And to anyone who has no idea, we look absolutely abnormal.

We have been judged all week because we laugh and push through in front of those who have no idea what has happened. But believe me, we are not okay. We simply have the grace of being a part of a huge family who is leaning hard on one another right now. When one is strong she takes the lead until she can’t. Then another picks it up. And this was definitely not planned. This is simply how I have witnessed it for us, through us, these past few days.

Please learn from us.

Stop moaning about having to put your pants on to go be around people. Stop putting the events off. Stop avoiding the memories simply because it means you can’t binge watch tv.

I swear. I absolutely promise you, the second or third thought you have after your heart shatters will be regret for every missed opportunity to share time, love, and memories with those who have been ripped from your world. And that word, that 6 letter word, it eats into you. Even when you know better. Even when others try to comfort you and say it isn’t a logical feeling. It doesn’t matter. Regret will win.

So, do the thing. Love them. Be with them. Don’t waste time on people who do not love you. Don’t waste energy on the people who want you to look bad. Don’t waste time on half or partial feelings. Go all in. Love them more than you’re capable and show them. Please. Please I’m begging you, show up. Stop finding excuses why you can’t or why you shouldn’t. Stop being lazy. Stop giving yourself outs and okays. Set your issues down and work through them if they’re worth it. Go to them. Be with them. Make memories. Hold your babies. Please hold those who live in your heart in any way as tightly as humanly possible for as long as life will allow you.

Because let me tell you this, we are not in charge of life and death. It will happen and it will destroy whoever you think you are. And all you will be able to do is push the pieces of yourself back together and hope it makes a new workable version of you.

Please, please, as I’m crying in the dark, please learn from this pain. Let it do something good. Let it be for some reason. Let it help someone because right now, it’s all I have to offer anyone.

That and my imperfect love. I love you all. I really, truly, deeply do.

All.

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About Me, Blog, Choices, Fear, Relationships, Thoughts, Writing

Forgiveness and Moving Forward

There is some part of me that repeats moments. Throughout my life there have been moments that involved other people and that seem incomplete to me. My mind is watching a movie without ever getting to the end of it. I see these people in my memories and they never evolve in life to me. Some part of my heart needs closure. Some part of me craves it but how do you find peace with someone who you no longer know? How do you forgive people that are no longer around? What if they don’t even remember those moments where they hurt You?

I have caused others pain. We have all done it. We have all been ignorant, mean, or just plain oblivious and because of that we have caused pain in the lives of others. I have also sought forgiveness at times. I have found my apologies had no effect or affect. I have spoken or written sorries to people who didn’t respond whatsoever. Some part of that hurt. Some part of me wanted some sort of response. An acceptance, anger, anything, but a refusal to acknowledge me meant that my earnestness was in some way meaningless.

I have wondered about these moments. I have questioned why they would simply stare at me with blank eyes and look past everything. I have apologized when I knew it wasn’t solely my fault and yet I have gotten nothing. Do we all want to hear it and not be required to say it? Is it pride? Is it something more hate filled that keeps people from owning their faults?

There are times that I have been approached and I have given my forgiveness when they were earnestly apologizing. Some people will throw an apology at you without even knowing what they are saying. I don’t mean these types of apologies. I mean the real ones. The ones that are heartfelt. The ones that people have thought about and known inside and out. People have done things that caused me immense pain. I forgave them. Wholeheartedly forgave them. There are a few that wanted to move back into my life and I couldn’t allow that though. My forgiveness allowed me to move past the pain of what had been, but my mind would not allow me to open up that “what if” again. I understand that sometimes people don’t have room in their lives for others. I understand that we all move forward and some times our paths should no longer intertwine, but does that mean that we should not overcome ourselves and allow others the closure they seek?

Some parts of my life will never have closure. I know that. I know that there are people who I will never hear an apology from. I know that there are people who will never believe that they had faulted me. I know that. Even though I know that my heart will never be at ease because it still longs to know that it was justified in its pain. My heart longs to forgive, but will never be given the opportunity to do so.

What does that mean?

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About Me, Blog, Depression, hope, Strength, Suicide, Writing

International Survivors of Suicide Loss Day

I am so lucky to be co-chairing our areas first ever International Survivors of Suicide Loss Day hosted by the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention.

This past week has been super busy for me. I’ve been getting caught up on all of the information and trying to jump in the middle of everything so that we can move forward. The event is held nationally in over 3,000 cities on November 22, 2014. This will be the 15th annual ISOSL Day.

It is going to be a lot of work but I truly hope that it will pay off in the end. There are so many people out there questioning why and I hope that perhaps we can make a difference so that future others won’t have to question at all. Prevention is possible.

I am re-working my schedule to add this into my already ridiculously hectic life. I have several AFSP training courses that I have to help facilitate as well as the community walk in November. I think that these events could make a great impact on our community. There are too many lives lost to suicide in our area and I want to show others that they are not alone. Depression is real but it doesn’t have to be the end for anyone.

It’s great to see so many people coming together to make a difference. I have already met so many wonderful people who have suffered loss and yet they have endured. They are strong despite their pain. I admire their drive to do something and I only hope that I can help as well. I pray that I can turn my pain into something meaningful. I hope that it won’t all have been for nothing. Perhaps One person will stop and realize their worth.

You will always be with me even in my own darkest of days. My loss of you has kept me pushing ever forward. Your actions did not define me. They only refined my will and my purpose.

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