About Me, Acceptance, Blog, Depression, Love, public speaker, Strength, susie reece, Susie Reynolds, susie reynolds reece, Thoughts, Writing

Learn From Us

You don’t necessarily know me. You may not understand all the facets of why I function as I do, or all the aspects of my anything-but-simple life. But there is one thing you should know, putting words around my thoughts and expressing my struggles has saved my life more times than I could ever count.

It started in journals. Dozens and dozens of journals have been filled with terrible grammar and punctuation throughout my decades. I scribble illegible notes everywhere. I have hundreds of half-started pieces in my phone. There are books in different stages on my computer begging to be finished.

I write. Even when you don’t know it, I write. I have since before I can recall anything else.

When I share things publicly, please understand it isn’t necessarily a way of asking for attention but a way of sharing a piece of my soul to you in a moment I felt led to do so. Not all of my soul is beautiful, or clean, easily explainable, selfless, sensible, or even parts I’m proud of. There’s a lot of me I’m not proud of.

But still, I write.

Sometimes when I share, it’s done on days like these where my mind cannot stop. Days where I know misspellings and cluttered thoughts may make me sound like a rambling mess, but still I write. So here I am, exhausted in ways I’ve never experienced before in my life, lying in my bed knowing I need sleep, writing because it is the comfort I can grasp at in this one second.

I need to say this, please, please, I beg of you Learn from Us.

Don’t let me be misunderstood here. I don’t want to teach you anything. I don’t want to share some poignant life lesson in the hopes of coming off as having learned some valuable wisdom. I don’t want credit here. I don’t want kind words saying how beautiful anything is, all I want is for this pain, this soul-wrenching pain to do one good thing. Just one. Please. I’m begging you now, don’t let our pain be ignored. Please, learn from us.

This hurts. It hurts every part of me. My family is broken right now. Pieces who belong here with us were stolen. They are now the empty spaces at our ridiculously large table. They are laughter, and memories, and beauty that we cannot look across our plates and laugh along with. Our family is dynamic. We are diverse. We are the epitome of resilient, but man, we want nothing more than to be whole right now.

And what hurts more is the fact that each and every one of us who is left is broken at this moment. Everywhere I look I see pain seeping out of souls longing for peace. This hurts beyond words. These words are meaningless compared to what could be said. But what should be said?

There is much I never stopped to consider. I never realized so many things. I don’t know how anyone could endure something like this alone. I don’t know how it wouldn’t destroy the humanity of a person.

You will not sleep. You will not eat. This week has been a rollercoaster of emotion. Grief has been woven into things that must be handled, quickly, efficiently, without any mistakes because we want everything to be perfect. But we are not okay.

We have moments where we put our faces on and someone says, “man you’re doing good for someone who…”

No. Just no.

We don’t know you. Our family is me. I am them. We are not the same but we laugh. We joke. We work our asses off. We are a force unmatched. We are intimidating women who will get it done and that is what we are doing now. We are working because they need us to. We need to. Everything is depending on it. We are depending on it.

And the second we can, we break apart all over again. The second we sit down, or drive, or see a photo, we fucking shatter. Understand this, that word is the closest I have to express how badly we shatter.

We can’t remember who said what. Who was where. Where we are. We can’t remember our people. We walk out of the room and don’t know why. We’re looking for our phones that we’re holding. We get lost driving. We can’t remember how to finish our own sentences. And to anyone who has no idea, we look absolutely abnormal.

We have been judged all week because we laugh and push through in front of those who have no idea what has happened. But believe me, we are not okay. We simply have the grace of being a part of a huge family who is leaning hard on one another right now. When one is strong she takes the lead until she can’t. Then another picks it up. And this was definitely not planned. This is simply how I have witnessed it for us, through us, these past few days.

Please learn from us.

Stop moaning about having to put your pants on to go be around people. Stop putting the events off. Stop avoiding the memories simply because it means you can’t binge watch tv.

I swear. I absolutely promise you, the second or third thought you have after your heart shatters will be regret for every missed opportunity to share time, love, and memories with those who have been ripped from your world. And that word, that 6 letter word, it eats into you. Even when you know better. Even when others try to comfort you and say it isn’t a logical feeling. It doesn’t matter. Regret will win.

So, do the thing. Love them. Be with them. Don’t waste time on people who do not love you. Don’t waste energy on the people who want you to look bad. Don’t waste time on half or partial feelings. Go all in. Love them more than you’re capable and show them. Please. Please I’m begging you, show up. Stop finding excuses why you can’t or why you shouldn’t. Stop being lazy. Stop giving yourself outs and okays. Set your issues down and work through them if they’re worth it. Go to them. Be with them. Make memories. Hold your babies. Please hold those who live in your heart in any way as tightly as humanly possible for as long as life will allow you.

Because let me tell you this, we are not in charge of life and death. It will happen and it will destroy whoever you think you are. And all you will be able to do is push the pieces of yourself back together and hope it makes a new workable version of you.

Please, please, as I’m crying in the dark, please learn from this pain. Let it do something good. Let it be for some reason. Let it help someone because right now, it’s all I have to offer anyone.

That and my imperfect love. I love you all. I really, truly, deeply do.

All.

Standard
Acceptance, Children, Choices, Depression, Fear, Help, hope, Love, mental health, public speaker, Relationships, Strength, Suicide, suicide prevention, Understanding

Bullying a Blinding Issue

Navigating the worlds of suicide prevention can be difficult. It’s definitely a delicate balance when it comes to the many ways people want to be engaged and represented in their individual journeys.

There are some things we have learned through experience, through education, and through the expertise of others. But there are also some very simple beliefs we hold dear to our hearts. Beliefs like, not everyone will always like you, but we can still do our best to be kind. We believe boundaries are part of a healthy self-care regimen. These include the types of people we engage and interact with in our lives. Boundaries that protect our wellbeing. Boundaries that set standards for our safety and the safety of others.

Safety and security are of the utmost importance. We want you all to be safe. To be happy and healthy. But we know we all encounter people who are in pain from time to time. Sometimes their pain spills over into the world around them. It isn’t fair. It isn’t easy. But it happens.

The thing is, we don’t always know what is going on in a person’s life. We don’t always know the tragedies or traumas a person has experienced. These traumas affect us, often deeply. They can alter our ability to be compassionate, to be aware of our impact on others, to be kind. We can hurt others and in that hurt, we can feel less alone.

How terrible, that a person can be in so much pain, that the act of hurting another can lead them to feel less alone.

Nothing in this world is simple. We don’t have all the answers and we don’t know the whole story but we do know, pain magnifies pain. Pain begets pain when allowed to go unaddressed.

Our approach to bullying is this, people are hurting. We do not condone physical violence. We do not agree with emotional, mental, verbal abuse. We do not believe in name calling or pointing fingers.

We believe these behaviors are symptoms of a much larger issue. When it comes to youth and children, we especially believe WE are the adults. It is our role to pause with them, see them, offer support, educate, help them through their pain, and never limit them with so simple and blind a phrase as “Bullying is for Losers.”

Everyday children are hurting. Everyday they are told they will never, are not, cannot… let’s change the way we communicate.

It won’t be quick or easy but in the end, if we put the work in…. we could change so many worlds.

Standard
Acceptance, Beauty, Depression, Dreams, Fear, Help, hope, Love, mental health, public speaker, Relationships, Strength, susie reece, Susie Reynolds, susie reynolds reece, Thoughts, Writing

I’m Sorry.

I’m sorry.

I struggle with these words to this day.

Not because I can’t say them when they are merited. Not because they can’t be felt deeply in every cavernous crevice of my spirit. But because they were my cage for so long.

I remember being clumsily coerced to apologize to those who ridiculed and hated me. I was compelled to apologize to those who had false impressions of who I was because they never took the time to get to know me. I recall being commanded that I needed to accommodate the feelings of everyone else and continually disregard my own for their sake. Because they mattered.

I’m sorry was my apology for existing. I’m sorry was how I begged to be overlooked so as not to intimidate or unintentionally make anyone feel less than me. I’m sorry was my forced anonymity in a world that erases those who don’t stand up for themselves.

You thought I looked at you harshly. You felt I was judging you.

You felt intimidated by my being a person, no matter how small a person I was.

Why should I be sorry for any of those?

Don’t be a person. Don’t be me. Don’t be. Be sorry. Be less. Be invisible. Because you are sorry and nothing more. You sorry little nothing.

These words choked me into the fetal position and urged me to be unconceived. Because this habit wound its way into my vernacular and decided it belonged. It slipped seamlessly from my tongue time after time. Often still, I say those words before I realize they have been said. To this day, I find myself apologizing for my existence. I find myself asking for forgiveness for my being. For who I am. Allowing others to lessen me so they aren’t forced to grow against their will.

Why should I apologize for my existence? Why should I cower down so you can feel bloated beside me? Because you are not empowered in this. You are not triumphant in this. You are falsely made to feel as though you have won some battle against me. Yet, I was never fighting you in the first place. I was never out to usurp your imaginary power.

I was simply living. Tasting the moments I was blessed to know. Relishing this harsh reality in any infinitesimal way I was allowed because none of us will be here forever and far too many of us are gone far too soon. Far too many memories are never made because we forget the cruelty of time. We forget we are all small in the scheme of things.

Today I tell you all, I love who I am.

I don’t love every regrettable decision I make. I’m not fond of every misstep I muck my way through. I don’t always cherish the experiences that ensnare my world and leave me feeling helpless.

But I love me.

The child who cowered and prayed to be unseen for far too long. The human who waged wars unlike anyone else ever could on myself in the hopes of defeating my existence. The woman who clawed her way through her own skin until I wore it, truly fucking wore it. This woman. This Fearlessly flawed creature who knows I will only ever be this me Today. I will only ever be this young and naive in this moment. I will only ever know this feeling for as long as I hold my breath around it. I will only ever have this chance to do something worth remembering now.

I’m sorry may slip through my lips from time to time. It will land exactly how I intend it to when I have done wrong. But it will never again be used to make me feel less so another can momentarily feel like more than me.

I am not sorry for this Susie. Never again will she be less than everything she has fought to become.

#sorrynotsorry #SFA #stellar #fierce #astonishing #SouthernFriedAsian

Standard