Acceptance, Beauty, Depression, Dreams, Fear, Help, hope, Love, mental health, public speaker, Relationships, Strength, susie reece, Susie Reynolds, susie reynolds reece, Thoughts, Writing

I’m Sorry.

I’m sorry.

I struggle with these words to this day.

Not because I can’t say them when they are merited. Not because they can’t be felt deeply in every cavernous crevice of my spirit. But because they were my cage for so long.

I remember being clumsily coerced to apologize to those who ridiculed and hated me. I was compelled to apologize to those who had false impressions of who I was because they never took the time to get to know me. I recall being commanded that I needed to accommodate the feelings of everyone else and continually disregard my own for their sake. Because they mattered.

I’m sorry was my apology for existing. I’m sorry was how I begged to be overlooked so as not to intimidate or unintentionally make anyone feel less than me. I’m sorry was my forced anonymity in a world that erases those who don’t stand up for themselves.

You thought I looked at you harshly. You felt I was judging you.

You felt intimidated by my being a person, no matter how small a person I was.

Why should I be sorry for any of those?

Don’t be a person. Don’t be me. Don’t be. Be sorry. Be less. Be invisible. Because you are sorry and nothing more. You sorry little nothing.

These words choked me into the fetal position and urged me to be unconceived. Because this habit wound its way into my vernacular and decided it belonged. It slipped seamlessly from my tongue time after time. Often still, I say those words before I realize they have been said. To this day, I find myself apologizing for my existence. I find myself asking for forgiveness for my being. For who I am. Allowing others to lessen me so they aren’t forced to grow against their will.

Why should I apologize for my existence? Why should I cower down so you can feel bloated beside me? Because you are not empowered in this. You are not triumphant in this. You are falsely made to feel as though you have won some battle against me. Yet, I was never fighting you in the first place. I was never out to usurp your imaginary power.

I was simply living. Tasting the moments I was blessed to know. Relishing this harsh reality in any infinitesimal way I was allowed because none of us will be here forever and far too many of us are gone far too soon. Far too many memories are never made because we forget the cruelty of time. We forget we are all small in the scheme of things.

Today I tell you all, I love who I am.

I don’t love every regrettable decision I make. I’m not fond of every misstep I muck my way through. I don’t always cherish the experiences that ensnare my world and leave me feeling helpless.

But I love me.

The child who cowered and prayed to be unseen for far too long. The human who waged wars unlike anyone else ever could on myself in the hopes of defeating my existence. The woman who clawed her way through her own skin until I wore it, truly fucking wore it. This woman. This Fearlessly flawed creature who knows I will only ever be this me Today. I will only ever be this young and naive in this moment. I will only ever know this feeling for as long as I hold my breath around it. I will only ever have this chance to do something worth remembering now.

I’m sorry may slip through my lips from time to time. It will land exactly how I intend it to when I have done wrong. But it will never again be used to make me feel less so another can momentarily feel like more than me.

I am not sorry for this Susie. Never again will she be less than everything she has fought to become.

#sorrynotsorry #SFA #stellar #fierce #astonishing #SouthernFriedAsian

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Acceptance, Beauty, Blog, Depression, Dreams, Fear, Love, Relationships, Strength, Suicide, suicide prevention, Thoughts, Writing

Why Do We Stop?

For emotion. 

Because of emotion. 

Without emotion.

We stop to feel. Perhaps we find ourselves lost in a moment, like when the butterfly happens magically across our path. Its dance sparking calm within us. It speaks to our soul and we bask in its serenity. Sometimes we listen to understand. We have thrown question after question into the void and now we wait for it to answer. There are times we pause in the hopes of shutting out the world and all its deafening noise. Because we see them, the beautifully broken, surrounding us and it shreds our ever feeling hearts to pulp. We ache to close our eyes and hearts so we can stumble through our world with some semblance of sanity left in tact. 

We stop because our emotions command us. They give us no choice. We are lost to their tumultuous waves and fall timidly into their powerful force. They steal our breath and focus our minds on our absence of control. Capturing us against our will. We fall prey to their hunger to consume our breath. And no matter how we flail against their waves, we find ourselves floating willingly as they drown every ounce of who we are. 

We stop because we have lost ourselves without the ability to feel. Perhaps we ignored what living should be in the hopes of finding what it might be in a future that never came true. We held our breath for so long that we forgot the necessity of air to our lungs. We’ve lost hope to what life would never be. For too long, we’ve overlooked the small glimmers. We forgot to steal back our simple joys. We failed to create gratitude in an all too ungrateful universe. 

Some of us failed to recognize our own worth. We expected too little of ourselves to allow us the chance to grow and flourish. Time slunk up around us and ticked away the life we deserved to savor while we starved ourselves on wishes we failed to reach for. 

We stop because we keep going until we cannot go any longer. We have pushed ourselves beyond our breaking and foolishly felt we were beyond a reasonable point to be fixed. We stop because we do not lean on others for fear. We fear their judgment, we fear their gaze. We fear being vulnerable and broken open to criticism and callousness. Our pain and pride give us this sense of necessary isolation that slowly eats at our will and destroys the image of who we should be. The image of who we think others feel we should be. We stop in spite of life all around us because we no longer see the world in vivid color. Our lack of hope has greyed our ability to dream or even recall the taste of possibility. 

We stop to be built or unbuilt. You see it’s in the lulls, the quiet moments we settle into, when our hearts are broken open to fully feel. That’s when we happen. That is when we are built and strengthened and fortified. That is when we break apart. We find ourselves on pause so when we begin again, hopefully, we are vigorously renewed. 

Life is chaos. It is simple, complicated, dark, and delightful. Each moment around us builds upon the moments we’ve intertwined with before. And that is when we become ourselves. 

We stop to be. 

We stop to become. 

We. 

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Acceptance, Beauty, consulting, Help, hope, public speaker, southern fried asian, Suicide, suicide prevention, susie reece, Susie Reynolds, susie reynolds reece

The Joshua York Legacy Foundation

An angel’s wings and ice blue eyes captured my heart this week and I don’t believe I can ever let them fly away from me.

Sunday evening I arrived in White Marsh, Maryland. I made a call to meet up with the Yorks and have our first face to face before we would delve into a long week of work starting Monday morning. I was nervous. My brain was running in a million directions and wondering what I would find myself walking into, I knew the week would be long and full of strategy and more than likely exhausting days, but who would be welcoming me into their world? Would I truly be welcomed? I couldn’t help but feel anxious and hope for the best.

Boy, was I wholly unprepared for the Yorks.

William immediately greeted me with a huge hug and a smile. His first words after our greeting were, “hope you’re ready for some crabs.” I laughed and said, “oh, yea.” When in Maryland, crabs must be had after all. On our way back to their house, we chatted about the humidity and how hot the weather had been for the past few days in Maryland. I had hoped I would be escaping the Arkansas heat, but it seemed I may have unluckily towed it along with me.

When we pulled into their driveway, I looked to the left to see a monument of a rock right in the front yard. I giggled to myself, I mean, what did I expect from the foundation who created the Facebook group Suicide Prevention Rocks? Their walkway lined with a hodgepodge of colored rocks all with uplifting sayings brought a lightness and ease to me. I walked into their foyer, where a variety of different sized shoes had recently been dropped by the front door. I kicked off my heels and commented immediately they must’ve been preparing for the arrival of the Southern Fried Asian. We all laughed at my corny Asian joke. As I walked into the kitchen, I was immediately hugged by Dawn, William’s wife and heart. Saying I was welcomed does not do my first night justice, I found myself watching a family who draws you toward them in the most unintentional but compelling of ways.

After a bit of getting to know each other, they broke out a huge roll of brown parchment paper and covered the dining room table. I noted, “this is getting serious.” We took our seats and jumped into the centerpiece, a huge steaming box of Maryland crabs. The kids showed me how to pick apart a crab Marylander style, everyone brought up family jokes about the importance of not to eating the crab’s lungs, and each of them opened their hearts to me. I was family, on night one and felt nothing less than exactly that for the rest of the week.

Tragedy hits us all too often in this world and it’s aftermath too often destroys those who remain. I knew walking in that tragedy had happened here. I knew this week would be difficult as they were nearing the one year anniversary of the loss of Joshua. I knew I might need to be patient, calm, compassionate, quite possibly forgiving, and so much more because of how difficult this process could be. And yet, I found myself not needing to do any of those things, not because they haven’t felt unflinching pain, but because they have drawn from their love to find strength. They lift one another up and open themselves naturally to others who may be in need of love and acceptance. They are each other’s rocks.

As I write this, I find my eyes full of happiness, joy, and thankfulness. I have felt something beyond myself this week and have had the chance to witness the power love has over pain. We’ve shared unforgettable moments where we each shared some of our deepest pains. We’ve experienced a rainbow of emotions as we worked toward sharing Joshua and his love with as many people as we are allowed.

Nothing is perfect, but this family works and dare I say, makes it look unrealistically easy. They feel, they are gentle and most importantly they are forgiving when they need to be. The Yorks, the family who swerves when a butterfly is in the road. The Yorks, the family who paints rocks in order to heal and bond through tragedy. The Yorks, the family who laughs and loves and welcomes strange Korean women from Arkansas. The Yorks, the family who continues to bring life to their beautiful Joshua.

To say it simply and without flourish, I am amazed by this family and their journey.

With my deepest gratitude,

Susie Reynolds Reece

#jylfrocks #suicideprevention #strengtheningliveswithlove

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