I feel blocked emotionally. Sitting here thinking of the dreaded “writer’s block” and I wonder, can a person’s emotional release be stuck just on the other side of an immense and harrowing wall?
I feel it. This gush of grief ebbed against the immovable interior wall I’d wedged inside myself. It was meant to stem the tide for the sake of time temporarily. There’s been far too many to do’s left undone to feel the pain of loss these past several months. Who can wallow in these wounds when things are due and days are fleeting? Who would prioritize sinking into the floor and becoming a murky muddle of a person?
Definitely not me.
I know better. Or, I should know better.
But today demanded everything of me. So I welled my emotions deep, deep down and covered them with rock and pebble and cemented them over. In the hopes, I could carry on.
I saw my grief here and there. It was peeking at me every time I logged into my website and saw Gordon’s face greet me. His face is now scrawled throughout my online life because he built such a beautiful space for me to exist in the ether- strike that- inter net. A sharp pang of grief would hit my heart as I hurriedly hid away from the inevitable.
I was speaking to a friend about building a website. Of course, Gordon’s name crossed my lips. They Googled me for an example and laughed as they saw a high heel. It was meant to be a temporary logo until I could think of something more fitting. Gordon had chosen it as a filler because of the ongoing sentiments surrounding me wearing high heels. Everyone knows I’ll always be wearing them. What was meant to be a placeholder has now become untouchable because my friend made a choice for me.
God, how long I thought choices were made when it came to suicide until I realized if only it were that simple.
Here I am, months behind on mourning, not one, but multiple people in my life because the monotony, the Mondays, the mundane of maneuvering foolishly forward required more of me than a grief-addled soul could allow. I am ashamed for my hurting heart that I’ve put this pain on hold for so long. I’m saddened for what these people truly deserved because they left new holes in my swiss-cheese soul. New holes where love, hope, and tomorrows must be filled with different and longing.
We deserve chances to fall apart for however long we must. We must honor the breaking of ourselves as we rebuild our present and our futures without. We should not be ashamed of stopping to shed tears and shriek, especially when there is work to be done. Grief is important work. It deserves its time and space; if it does not get either, it will force itself to the forefront of our worlds.
To those I’ve lost these past several months, you are here with me now. I set space to finally feel your absence in its entirety.
If you would like to learn more about my amazing friend Gordon Corsetti, you can read his old blog content here: https://mentallyagile.com/blog
He is still teaching me, and I know he will continue to do so for many years to come. The shoe won’t come off, Gordon.