How do I say today was the day grief sank its teeth into my soul?
How do I share that today is marked by the first loss that felled a chain of domino losses one after the other?
What word encapsulates the heartache that comes when the calendar lands on this date each year?
This isn’t a celebration, but a return,
to the memory of the beginning of uncertainty.
Today, the day I was a child abandoned. A child left to the snickers and shushes that dreadful day incited. A child shoved into the husk of a brokenly wise for her age adult.
Today is the day I feel inching closer, closer each day as my memory grows slower. My focus fades. My body reminding me today is on the horizon.
A day like every other, but forever unforgettable.
A day I have wished away more times than I have ever stopped to think of breathing.
A day that never ends, each year until I die.
I would walk away from today, if only I had the energy. I would hide myself away, but it’s a Thursday and work must be finished. I would black out all these days on every calendar, if it hadn’t already been blacked out by this dreadful recurring reality.
A year on rotation that spins me right back into disbelief.
A year revisited that seems unshakeably sturdy.
A year without all the memories that should be jubilant.
Because when you left, the part of me untouched by trauma left with you.
Today I say, an unhappy anniversary to us both.
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