I looked for strength today and I couldn’t find it in all the places where the warriors told me they would wield it for me. I searched their histories, their chronicles, their passion and in the end I came up empty.
I could say I didn’t look hard enough, or long enough, or smart enough for the words I know they’ve borne before, but in that instant of emptiness- no answer would have mattered or left me feeling less unfulfilled.
I looked for strength today and I couldn’t find it in all the nooks and crannies of my own unfiltered soul. I shook down my webs of words, but still my hands were glaringly empty. I pondered how could I, of all people, be one to have never written the triumphs of strength? How could I have omitted this stalwart of being and focused so solely on pain and loss alone? Had I forgotten myself over the endless ramblings of rife or is my strength nothing more than what should be implied?
I could say I’ve written of strength in every piece because still I sit, pen in hand, scribbling page after page as an act of artistic resistance. I could make excuses for my cylindrical vision and say I saw but what I could see – no light, only what was laid bare before me. I could say so many things, but still strength was left unsaid by me.
I looked for strength today, to share it with my small circle of the world and hope it could help tighten our bonds. I hoped it could build back our cans and wills to fuel us for but a day more. But while I looked, my eyes were worn by the world of woes. They were eroded by all they’ve grown accustomed to spying so effortlessly. I wondered, are my eyes now trained for trauma, for torment, for tiring before the journey has even begun? Are my eyes too weak to find strength, especially now, when I need it most?
I could say, I’ve seen it glimpsed in champions all around me. They speak, they challenge, they shine lights of love and let the world see choices. These bastions of brawn boom all about me but in that brief blink, my eyes blurred my belief.
I couldn’t see strength, though I knew still it exists and I wondered… quietly, silently, just here to myself, how many others have sought strength and resigned themselves to seeing no such thing?
Sometimes, we cannot see. Sometimes, we cannot be. Sometimes. Sometimes strength cannot be found.
Wow, that was great. I look forward to reading your writing, every thing I read from you is thought provoking. You have so much strength inside of you even if you don’t see it you can feel it there when you need it the most. To do what you do and put so much out in the world requires so much inner strength. The thing is, a person in your position might not have somebody putting them on a life boat as you do for others so I say to that don’t forget to use some of that strength you save others with for yourself. Trust me, you are stronger than you know, look in the mirror today and remind yourself of that. Have a great day